Toxic People​

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“WHY ME?” I ask nobody, but the seashore, wave after wave the incoming tide tries to get to my feet where I perched my derriere on the sandy beach. I ask again “WHY ME?”

It is “Me Time”, a time to sit with a train of thousands of thoughts and feelings that I neglected to reflect on for a while, because life happens where everything is pushed to the back burner and concentrate on the matter at hand. A time to sit with me and my higher self, dig deep within to find the answers to the simple two-word question… “WHY ME?”

 I thrive on a professional level, smashing all the records and my work always speaks for itself, no brown nosing whatsoever. However, personal life is a whole different ball game, at first, I thought I was overreacting and thought that I over analysed the situations that I got dropped into. You know when someone pushes your buttons and brings out your ugly side and then play the victim card, always! I have never been one to sugar coat things to make it look fluffy, always been one to be direct and say it like it is.

Then there is stupidity, you look at this person and wonder who left the bag of idiots open and unattended. Making you wonder how they survived all these years, and then you begin to dissect their life to see, the signs were always there, you chose to ignore them or overlook them. And another thing is the competition, why do people want to be like you? Be yourself, we have all been born with our talents and each one comes with their own unique gift, Embrace it!

Toxic people are hot on demanding respect out of you, yet they will never show you respect, if you fit in their box then they will act like they are your best friend, once you tick that box off then you are of no use anymore and get discarded. Not being able to be my true authentic self, true to myself was becoming more and more difficult. Where had I seen this behaviour before? Who in my past triggered this feeling? What is the root cause of this toxicity?

That’s it lets begin from there and go back to the root cause of attracting toxic people in my life. I close my eyes taking three deep breaths and ground myself to raise my vibration, the soothing sound of the waves brings about a sense of calm and tranquillity. I go back to my 30s and see a romantic relationship that was one sided and it was a toxic relationship at that. I gave and gave but never received anything in return, a year of this toxicity was a wake-up call to not wanting to be a door mat and out I walked out of the door.

But it did not feel like it was the root cause, because why did I let someone treat me like a door mat, so I moved to when I was at university from teens to early 20s, another toxic relationship with my aunt, who was so controlling and made you to feel obligated to ask permission to breath, there was competition, there was abuse. But this was still not the root cause.

I went further back in my past and it was a no brainer, the root cause was my father, his controlling behaviour, the way my mum was treated, and the toxicity of external influences caused disharmony in day-to-day life and here was this little girl in the middle of a dark room with the spotlight shinning at her, she looked afraid and not knowing what the norm was. My higher self held my younger child version and hugged her, caressed, and coaxed her into realising that feeling she was experiencing are long gone and now she is safe and can let go.

It made me lighter, and I moved to my 20s and forgave that helpless girl who was a victim of another victim, she was no longer controlled and abused, the light of love was showering her, moving on to my romantic relationship and I forgave that girl and told her to love herself. I slowly began to come out of the meditative state and looking down I was emersed in water, what a way to come back, I felt liberated and light, it was as though the tide was taking away all the baggage I had been carrying for a long time. And the parting words my higher self gave me were “BOUNDARIES” and “GROWTH”.

I had my answer to “WHY ME?” = “GROWTH” and how do I deal with toxic people, set “BOUNDARIES”

I now set boundaries, my peace of mind is important to me, but these nasty obstacles are strategically being placed in my path for trial purposes, BRING IT ON! My pedestal now holds me wearing my crown and the diva me is a creative, intelligent, mature, and compassionate woman!

                                                                                                       By Kiran Kaur

September 2022

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